August 28th - Who's the Crankiest Captain of Them All?

We've seen Dirty Harry wander the streets of San Francisco, looking tired and world-weary.   We've seen Nick Nolte play 48 HOURS like he's been on duty for ten weeks straight.   Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger... all of them had their turns portraying a detective or police officer who was looking towards retirement with one eye and a fifth of scotch with the other.  Hell, Danny Glover and Mel Gibson told us on more than one occasion that they were getting too old for this shit.

However, you know who really had had enough?   You know who truly was one foot out the door to retirement and one foot in the grave?   You know who was sick and friggin' tired of being abused by not only the system and their superiors, but by their own detectives?   You know who absolutely, one hundred percent, were ALREADY too old for this shit?

Precinct Captains.

Yes, precinct captains.  In one detective thriller/buddy cop caper/explosive police actioner after another, the hero get to fire the guns, flaunt the rules, beat the bad guys and sleep with all of the bad girls?  What do the precinct captains get?   Agita, pure and simple.   They yell, they scream, they mutter under their breath.  It's the only thing they can do.  They're never allowed to truly suspend or fire their rule-breaking hero cops (and if they do, the hero only gets re-instated after blowing up half the city to get the bad guy).  So being the precinct captain is ALMOST as bad as being the bad guy.  Possibly worse.  The bad guys at least still get to blow up some stuff.

Who are the crankiest of the captains?   Which ones scream, throw, break and shatter shit better than the rest?   Let's get into today's Top 5...

I RANK IT:

TOP 5 PRECINCT CAPTAINS IN THE MOVIES

(again, my list so my scoring is final.   However, ABSOLUTELY add names in the Comments section below.   I could have missed one.   I'm pretty damn happy with my top five, and I'm amazingly ecstatic about my winner, but I know I'm missing a lot of good ones, too.)

HONORABLE MENTION

FRANK MCRAE - (48 HOURS, LAST ACTION HERO) - McRae (who is one of my favorite character actors because of USED CARS and CANNERY ROW) gets on the list because he got to do it in two different films.

BILLY BARTY - (NIGHT PATROL) - gets on the list because he solves all of his problems with excessive farting.   And the cop he has to berate is the Unknown Comic of "The Gong Show" fame.

ANDRE BRAUGHER  - (BROOKLYN NINE NINE) - not allowed to be ranked (my rules) because it's a television show and because he often has the hand over his precinct rather than them over him, but Braugher gives the best performance as a precinct captain, and does it on a weekly basis.

And now the 5:

5.  MICHAEL KEATON - (THE OTHER GUYS) - This is one of my absolute favorite takes on how to handle the exasperated captain.  Don't let him stew in a pool of alcohol and self-regret.   Just give him a part time job at Bed, Bath and Beyond.   I'm not a huge fan of the Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg action comedy, but I am a fan of Keaton's scene-stealing work in it, and I think that the recent Keaton renaissance can definitely be tied into this performance.

4.  STEVE KAHAN - (LETHAL WEAPON series) - This could have been an easy throwaway role in the original 1987 film, but there was one important piece of information to remember.  Steve Kahan is director Richard Donner's cousin, and he appears in most of Donner's film in some capacity.   The upside of this family favor was that Kahan's role as  Captain Murphy grew with each subsequent sequel with more scenes and more involvement in the action.  Of course, he always had one big scene to spar with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover after their characters had destroyed half of Los Angeles.   Kahan started as Donner family, but completely was part of the Riggs' and Murtaugh family by the end of the series.   And if you have a problem with that, Murphy has an answer in LETHAL WEAPON 2.  

Capt. Murphy: I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

And if you have a problem with Steve Kahan at #4... well, we don't give a fuck.

3. GIL HILL - (BEVERLY HILLS COP 1 series) - Gil Hill was the real deal.  He was an actual detective in the city of Detroit.  When director Martin Brest came to town to scout locations for his upcoming police film, Hill was the one who drove him around.  Brest was so taken by Hill and his stories that he knew he wanted him for a part in the film.   Hill's Inspector Todd is a foul-mouthed, angry revelation.  He knows that Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley may very well be the best detective he has, but damn it if he's going to let Foley run amok.   Foley has respect for Todd as well, but can't help but ignore his commands and do things his way.   Hill makes Todd not only feel like you are seeing an actual police captain, but that you are witnessing the most natural of actors as well.   His performances are that lived in, and that hilarious.   

Inspector Douglas Todd: Hey Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?

Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.

Inspector Douglas Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief, the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where in the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?

Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.

Inspector Douglas Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck is supposed to be in the damn pound!

Inspector Douglas Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?

Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...

Inspector Douglas Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?

Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand. Boss. The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.

Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel! Not now! Go on. Go home.

2. CHARLES DURNING - (SHARKY'S MACHINE) - Charles Durning is a national treasure.   A man who was at home in so many parts and genres over a fifty year acting career, Durning was brilliant in basically everything he touched.   To me, however, there was no better Durning than an exasperated Durning.  Whether he was caught off-guard, confused, or downright villainous, watching Durning get played, get tricked or even get ignored was a sight to behold.  For example, check out his work in the Mel Brooks 1983 remake of TO BE OR NOT TO BE to see how magically Durning essays the continually flustered Colonel Erhardt.   

Or, for the sake of this exercise, check out Durning's bravura turn as Friscoe in the 1981 Burt Reynolds' Dirty Harry-ish thriller, SHARKY'S MACHINE.   Reynolds is the hero, Rachel Ward is the heart, but Durning provides a large dollop of comedy as the put-upon cop in charge of the Vice unit.   He is trying to retain control of his men, but Friscoe constantly finds himself at odds with their decisions, and although you can tell that the men respect Friscoe, they love to disagree with him more, either for merit or for sport.

To see why Durning is ranked second here, you can fast forward to a scene about halfway through the film, set at Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium (where the Atlanta Braves used to play baseball many moons ago), where Friscoe lines up his men and asks for a progress report on the case.   Watch Durning build to a slow but steady boil as he walks up and down the line.   The men make Friscoe pace back and forth, left and right as they talk.   Durning dances a circle around them as he steals the scene effortlessly.

1. PEPE SERNA - (THE ROOKIE) - Yep, this one feels like it came out of left field.   Between the ones that I've listed already and the ones that you've come up with on your own, I would not be surprised if NONE of you have the same #1 as I do.

And I'm not backing down on this one.  No way.

Simply put, the only instruction director Clint Eastwood must have given Pepe Serna before taking on the role of Lt. Raymond Garcia is: 

"Find the scenery, grab on to it with both arms, and start chewing like your life depends on it.  Then, when you think you've done all you can do, CHEW HARDER."

Pepe Serna has done fine work in many films before and after THE ROOKIE, but there is simply no way that I'll ever think of him but anything else but Raymond Garcia.  He is boldly over the top in the first scene he plays, and it only increases from there.  Then, to cap things off, we have the sequence that has made this performance stick in my brain for more than twenty-five years.   Ladies and gentlemen, I give you this.  Let me know if you still question the choice after watching THAT clip.

I have not come to knock Serna's work in THE ROOKIE at all.   You were in a period where there were a dozen or more of these films every year, and every one of these films had someone playing the exasperated captain.   If you were going to take one of these cliched roles, why not make it your own and stand out from the crowd?   I loved Serna's performance in 1990, and I love it even more now.   I will never let him be knocked off my perch in this ranking.   Long live Raymond Garcia!   Or... LONG LIVE RAYMOND GARCIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do me a favor and take a second or two and drop YOUR votes in the Comments section.  Maybe you have someone that isn't even listed here.